I know there are lots of people out there right now with lots of problems of their own..much bigger things to think about/deal with.

However, for you inventors out there...here is something to ponder...

You know how long handled back scratchers were invented to reach those places on your back that your fingers just can't (I never had a problem with that until the last couple of years, then my elbow joints refused to help me!)...and there are those long handled scrubbers for in the shower?

Well...when my kids were younger and were feeling achy, I would microwave some lotion in a cup to warm it, spread it on their backs and massage it in. It would help them relax and get some sleep. I would do the same for my husband when he was especially kinked up...only the lotion massage was not just for his back. THEN someone invented a lotion warmer! GREAT!!! No more microwaving lotion!

So...I have dry skin and in the winter is it horrid! Do I get warm lotion massages? um...no. And my the skin on my back gets so dry it itches something awful! I can't reach all the places on my back by myself anymore.

So, inventors...here is the challenge...invent something that has a long handle, you can fill it with lotion, it can warm the lotion if you choose, and it will release and spread the lotion on your back! It could work well with self tanning lotion also. OR you could take it to the beach and use it there! I really would be so very grateful.

Thank you to all of you that showed concern for me. Yes, anxiety attacks. They get worse and longer as time goes on. At one point I fooled myself into thinking that I had them under control...but with each major 'surprise' in my life, getting through it wasn't just enough. I got through it as best I could THEN blamed myself for whatever went wrong. I know it is not really true but there is always that 'second guess' mechanism that I have never been able to disconnect.

Those of you that have had anxiety attacks must have experienced the other side...once the anxiety starts to subside, you zoom back down and hit like a thud. Sometimes it feels like a bungy jump (like I am going through right now)--you're anxiety lets go, and you plummet, then spring back up, then plummet.

I used to know what my main triggers were. However, it has gotten to the point that one little thing will surprise me, shake me up, and then...well, I am 'off' again.

I seem to be really good at calming others down and giving them advice (when asked for it, of course) but I just cannot help myself. Right now, I am just waiting for the flood to recede. Hopefully, it will be soon.

Take care.

Here I am, one year later, and starting the same thing...can't sleep...only I don't sit in the corner of that couch so much. I sit in the chair and read. Except for tonight.

I look back over the past 20 years and sometimes marvel at how I did as I was raised to do...don't complain, don't stop moving, never admit to anyone what is REALLY going on...don't make a freakin' scene. My mother was raised that way, and she raised her kids that way. And she did a very good job of it. No reason to be sentimental. And if you start to falter and fall apart, find some super glue, bubble gum, twine, and duct tape. (Personally I kinda liked self adhering velcro.)

I did really well. I held together and kept moving. I made some surprising decisions but I did it all for good reason. But what I didn't know was that it was eating away the inside. The outside is basically intact. I can still smile and put one foot in front of the other. I can still keep moving...but I am not moving about as well as I used to. The inside erosion is starting to show in many ways. Each time I feel good and think that I have found something that shows that I AM beyond it all, then a few days later it all disappears and there I am, sitting up at night, heart pounding in my chest like the drummer of a heavy metal band, my head spinning, and I can't breathe.

I can't see how I can ever move on, up, or over. When do I get the original ME back...the one that could wade through the flood and not let it pull me under. The thing is...the worst parts seem to be over. I haven't had a really bad thing to wade through for about a year. Well, maybe not quite a year. But I should have rebounded by now.

Just when I thought I was settling down, the one place I thought I was 'safe'...even that seems to have finally quit. But I am looking towards beginning a lot of new things...and quitting is not something I ever believed in. I took a deep breath and jumped into whatever was in front of me and didn't even consider 'what if I fail?'.

God has answered so many of my prayers...yet, I don't seem to be able to feel okay about any of this. I was once told by a Jewish guy that I worked with that I just had to have a Jewish ancestry becuz I carried around a crippling amount of guilt. (No offense to anyone out there that is Jewish...he said it, not me) Somewhere along the way I have determined that everything that happens that is negative is my fault and I can't shake it off. No matter how hard I try. And now it is translating into, no matter what I try to do it will go to chit.

I am so freakin' scared...of failing, of my future, of being invisible OR being needed TOO much. I used to like to be invisible. Made it easier to navigate through life. I also used to think that I really liked living alone...no one to get on my nerves and no one for me to bug. But, even though I find it hard to open up and share, I find that I am petrified of being alone.

I just cannot do this. I cannot. I'm empty.

1. Birds of a feather flock together and poop on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look
for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by
then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met
everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind
to blame.

13. Americans are getting stronger. Thirty years ago, it took two adults to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it alone.

14. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

15. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

16. You can't have everything! Where would you put it?

17. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

18. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

19. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.

20. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of
12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

21. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

I received this from a friend today:


Guess our national leaders didn't expect this, hmm? On Thursday,
Darrell
Scott, the father of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine High School
shootings in Littleton , Colorado , was invited to address the House
Judiciary Committee's subcommittee. What he said to our national
leaders
during this special session of Congress was painfully truthful. They
were
not prepared for what he was to say, nor was it received well. It
needs
to be heard by every parent, every teacher, every politician, every
sociologist, every psychologist, and every so-called expert! These
courageous words spoken by Darrell Scott are powerful, penetrating,
and
deeply personal. There is no doubt that God sent this man as a voice
crying in the wilderness. The following is a portion of the
transcript: "
Since the dawn of creation there has been both good & evil in the
hearts
of men and women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds
of
violence. The death of my wonderful daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, and
the
deaths of that heroic teacher, and the other eleven children who died
must not be in vain. Their blood cries out for answers.

"The first recorded act of violence was when Cain slew his brother
Abel
out in the field. The villain was not the club he used.. Neither was
it
the NRA, the National Rifle Association. The true killer was Cain,
and
the
reason for the murder could only be found in Cain's heart.

"In the days that followed the Columbine tragedy, I was amazed at how
quickly fingers began to be pointed at groups such as the NRA. I am
not a
member of the NRA. I am not a hunter. I do not even own a gun. I am
not
here to represent or defend the NRA - because I don't believe that
they
are responsible for my daughter's death. Therefore I do not believe
that
they need to be defended. If I believed they had anything to do with
Rachel's murder I would be their strongest opponent.

I am here today to declare that Columbine was not just a tragedy-it
was a
spiritual event that should be forcing us to look at where the real
blame
lies! Much of the blame lies here in this room. Much of the blame
lies
behind the pointing fingers of the accusers themselves. "I wrote a
poem
just four nights ago that expresses my feelings best. This was
written
way before I knew I would be speaking here today:
Your laws ignore our deepest needs,
Your words are empty air.
You've stripped away our heritage,
You've outlawed simple prayer.
Now gunshots fill our classrooms,
And precious children die.
You seek for answers everywhere,
And ask the question "Why?"
You regulate restrictive laws,
Through legislative creed.
And yet you fail to understand,
That God is what we need!
"Men and women are three-part beings. We all consist of body, mind,
and
spirit. When we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our make-up, we
create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred to rush in and
reek
havoc. Spiritual presences were present within our educational
systems
for most of our nation's history. Many of our major colleges began as
theological seminaries. This is a historical fact. What has happened
to
us as a nation? We have refused to honor God, and in so doing, we
open
the doors to hatred and violence. And when something as terrible as
Columbine's tragedy occurs -- politicians immediately look for a
scapegoat.
"As my son Craig lay under that table in the school library and saw
his
two friends murdered before his very eyes-He did not hesitate to pray
in
school. I defy any law or politician to deny him that right! I
challenge
every young person in America , and around the world, to realize that
on
April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School prayer was brought back to
our
schools. Do not let the many prayers offered by those students be in
vain. Dare to move into the new millennium with a sacred disregard
for
legislation that violates your God-given right to communicate with
Him.
To those of you who would point your finger at the NRA - I give to
you
a
sincere challenge. Dare to examine your own heart before casting the
first stone!

My daughter's death will not be in vain! The young people of this
country
will not allow that to happen!"