I remembered something about myself this evening. Something that I have had to do without for over 18 years.



I enjoy and NEED quiet. I know my dad always gets really ornery if he doesn't get a certain amount of quiet time...and that includes himself not talking. From the time I started college, I found it imperative that I had a certain amount of quiet time...sometimes that entailed a whole weekend.

My friends never understood that. They were always up for a party. I was the weird one. I found studies and boyfriends and ppl to be so stressful and demanding that every once in a while I needed an almost sensory depravation. I needed to be left completely alone...no music, no TV, no phone. Just me and no conversations, no demands on my attention. And I could do manage to make that happen every now and then. When I was living on my own in Cleveland, the other teachers wanted to go to the Flats EVERY weekend. For me it was a sensory overload. I could have fun but it so unnerved me, that in order for me to even attempt to enjoy it, I HAD to drink just to calm my nerves down. But, since I have such a low threshold for alcohol drunkeness...I ALWAYS ended up drunk before we were even halfway through the night. Then I would be out on the dance floor getting flipped and tossed...cuz I was drunk and they could do it.
But, every so many weeks, I would go back to my apartment after the end of school on Friday, lock the door behind me...and when they started ringing my phone...I wouldn't answer...when they rang my doorbell...I didn't answer. It really made them scratch their heads becuz my car was in the parking lot. I didn't care...I needed to be left alone. I needed to destress.

Since I got married...and more importantly, since I got married and had kids...I have not had that luxury. It dawned on me that having that quiet time is what kept my anxiety under control. I'm surprised I haven't jetted off to the ends of the atmosphere and back a few hundred times by now. And, really, that is what I really wanted this weekend...not a Covered Bridge Festival...not visiting my parents...I wanted to be somewhere ALONE. Take some comfy clothes and a book...just find a room and be alone. I don't know...I may do that yet...just for about 24 hours even. Better than nuthin', right?



**Friday night will not be a silent night, tho. No sir. Not when the Tribe is doing battle with the Red Sox.

That's what I need. Butternut Squash Soup and wrapped in a blanket.


This is me...Dragon Ma Butt...it's how I feel.

This is perfect football weather...but, ya know...I loved it when I was younger. I am not so inclined NOW to go sit at a football game and freeze my parts. I will enjoy it while I don't have to go. In about 2-3 more years I will have to attend football games becuz my daughter will be out on that field with the rest of the band entertaining. And I will feel some meloncholy. That was my most favorite time in life...out on the football field performing. I loved the music...I loved playing the music...I loved the drumbreak dancing we did...we were so full of excitement then. And we had the time of our lives...that time before life got too complicated...that time when we played pranks on each other...that time when we took ourselves not seriously at all...that time when we looked forward and just figured life would go along smoothly and we had hopes of who/what we were going to be.

I can stand and look back and take stock of who I thot I was going to be and who I have ended up being so far. And I know now that I had no clue then. I can look back and see the mistakes I made that had such an impact on my life that it changed everything drastically.

There are no guarantees that if I had made different choices at those forks in the road that my life have went smoother. One never knows.

What I do know is this...I want to be wrapped in a blanket, eating squash soup and drinking hot spiced cider and watching a GOOD football game from the comfort of my livingroom.

Velvet Squash Soup

1 2-lb. butternut squash
2 cups whipping cream
sour cream
salt
white pepper

peel, cut and cook the squash.

drain, cool and place in a blender (food processor) and blend until smooth.

Return to pan, add the whipping cream and stir until warm. Salt and pepper to taste

Ladle into bowls and place a dollop of sourcream on top. Serve.

MMMMMM Yummy!


This is why I LOVED marching band so much. This is the OU Marching 110. Our band director had been part of this band and he 'borrowed' their music arrangements, marching style and 'dances' from them. We patterned ourselves after them in every way. So if you take the time to watch this...from the drive out onto the field to the marching formations, to the drum breaks (there is an excellent one at 2:14) this was our band. And that is one part of my life I will always treasure. Yes, I was a band geek to the extreme. And I was and AM proud of it.

I am sorry if I misinterpret what other ppl say or do today...yesterday...whateva. Too many things on my mind, too many things stressing me out, and too much drama from other directions.

I can ignore the drama from the other directions...its simple...it isn't MY drama...I'll just walk away and stay away...

Chances are good I WON'T be making the trip up to my parents' this weekend for the Covered Bridge Festival. 2 reasons...1) my son; 2) my class work.

Reason #2) They have all dumped stuff at the same time. I think the one thing that really has me uptight is the 6 page paper/presentation I have to do as a grand finale for me Wednesday night Labor Relations class next week...it is the last class. I will send up fireworks when that one is over. One less class to hassle with. I also have 1 quiz, two tests, and 3 other projects to work on. Nope...don't see how I can go off and enjoy myself for a weekend.

Also...I am both worried and totally upset with my son. I am worried about his health...that has only gotten slightly better. I know I don't have much patience in this area...but it just seems like something else/more could be done to expedite matters.

What I'm upset about is this...he and females...I would just like to smack the crap out of him. That should take care of something else right there...too much? Okay...sorry.

ANYWAY...I did something last night that was a total sneaky mom thing to do...but when you have kids I guess that sometimes nothing is off limits. I was waiting to give him some nausea medicine and while I was waiting I saw his journal page for his English class laying out and I picked it up and glanced down through it real quick to see what kind of stuff they had to write. Then becuz of some words that caught my eye, I READ a good chunk of it. I didn't say anything to him about what I read...I will wait until Friday, when they have the day off from school, and then I'm gonna really draw and quarter him.

I may get disapproval from some ppl for this...and that is your opinion, BUT on there he was writing about this Allie girl that I know he talks to a lot...she lives about an hour away from here. How he really cares about her and she about him...yada yada dribble dribble...she is 16 and he says she has had more sex than girls in their 20's. AND she has a 2 year old son. AND he would like to be this kid's step dad some day. HE has absolutely NO CLUE. None. He can't even clean his own room, get his own butt out of bed in the morning and function on a daily basis...and he thinks he's in love with some 16 year old girl with a 2 year old boy AND he wants to be this kid's step dad. HONEST TO EVER LOVING GAWD!

On the bright side...I told my daughter she probably doesn't like having to retake her math test and she just shrugged and said, "not a big deal. I know what I'm doing. Then she can grade it and get it over with." whew. At least that is under the bridge. I also told her she needed to think about what she was doing and how others might perceive her actions. She nodded. Now, if she could just quit losing her gym clothes and everything else. She remembers some things better...but how does she keep losing her gym clothes and deordorant cans?

On second thought...getting away from here this weekend... naw...the only way that would work is if I could just go hole up in a room somewhere else with no distractions. My mom, bless her heart, can talk the ear off a monkey.