Wouldn't that be nice? Of course, you have to decide what is 'ordinary'. Is 'ordinary' different for everyone? Or is 'ordinary' defined the same according to some cosmic globally encompassing vague standards.

IF 'ordinary' is different for everyone according to how their lives go on the average then I guess this morning is 'ordinary' for me. And if this is my 'ordinary'...I would REALLY appreciate a dose of extraordinary. Maybe not 'extra' ordinary...that sounds a little scary. How about if my life becomes UNordinary? Then after a time my UNordinary is a daily occurance and then it becomes my new 'ordinary'. I guess that is what I really want...a new 'ordinary'.

I honest to God do not think I can take another day/morning of dealing with TJ...the vomiting and whatever else goes with it. I can get the "anxiety" to a point. I can even understand a panic attack...lord knows if I allow myself to try and look ahead at where I'm headed I think I can feel a panic attack coming on. OR, if I sit and try and figure out where my son is going to end up...again, I think I can feel the panic attack coming on.

This kid is on enuff meds that can help him but, so far, stop just short of turning him into a zombie. There is big bucks going out for a weekly visit to a counselor/therapist (whatever label you want to give it)...and I know he has only had two visits so far...but I am totally at a loss as to what else to do for him. I am looking at who he is ALLOWING himself to be (yes...allowing...cuz all the pills and therapy sessions in the world are NOT going to change him if HE doesn't figure himself out and take possession of his life) and then looking at who he SAYS he wants to be/do with his life and I cannot see any tangible connection.

I don't know....I'm drained...I don't know what to do...I've spent so many hours on my knees praying even...and his dad loses patience and dumps it on me (cuz he has to blame someone) becuz nothing changes. I have nowhere to dump it...and I must admit that sometimes I am rather angry towards the Big Man upstairs cuz nothing changes.

As for the rest of my day...I have to salvage it...cuz I have work to finish for the classes I'm taking to change the direction my life is taking. How I'm going to take on my son's daily problems and work on staving off my daughter going down the same road...AND handle a job at the same time I'm not sure. But, I'll figure it out...cuz someone has to. Winning the lottery would take care of ONE thing...but it wouldn't change what I REALLY need changed.

I will enjoy today. I have a lot of classwork to accomplish this week and hope to wrap up most of it in these next two days.

If the kids will cooperate like they did this morning, it should be easier. Yes...today they both hauled butt. I woke them up and with minimal moaning and groaning they got up and moving. I think they moved becuz I opened their doors and greeted them with 'happy'. ug. My daughter DID start with groaning, then "I can't breath...my head is stuffy." Me: "use the nasal spray!" Her: "I didn't get much sleep last night, I didn't sleep well." Me: "Just get up and take a nice shower and it will make you feel better. Go to bed early tonight!" She gave up.

My son, amazingly, had nothing to throw at me. He is doing better since the doctor gave him some pills to stop the panic attacks. AND his antibiotics cleared up his sinus infection. I bought one of those small one room ionic breeze air cleaners and put in his room. He's breathing better. He got up, got moving and out of here rather early.

He had a 'date' Friday night...it was last minute, impromptu. It was this girl that he THOUGHT he would like to have for a gf. But I asked him something about his 'gf' the next morning. He just grumped at me..."She's NOT my girlfriend. (shake of his head) and not MY problem." Apparently she is way too much of an 'idiot' for him. She then called and wanted him to 'jump' and come pick her up and take her somewhere. I guess she is really pretty and used to guys just doing what she wants when she wants it. I was proud of my son...he told her he wasn't going anywhere and she'd have to figure something else out...or walk. All I know is this morning he grumbled something about not giving her arse anymore rides home from school until she coughed up the gas money she owed him. OUCH! I think he is going to be okay!

Anyway...Troy will be taking off for Michigan sometime today and be gone the better part of the week. Installing some systems on some private jets for someone up there somewhere. At least he gets to do something. He was in a bad humor a few weeks ago when he had to go to Columbus JUST to stand there when Warren Buffet made his appearance...and Troy was there just cuz. They snap their fingers and he has to be there...just incase they start their jets and the freakin' computers don't pop right up. wah. He has some wealthy spoiled clients, I'll tell ya. The funniest thing was when he had to help get Oprah Winfrey out of the bathroom on her jet becuz the door they installed was faulty! I'm sure it wasn't funny to Oprah, tho.

Oh, well...back to my work...

So...my day has been totally exhausting already! Yikes!

Have you ever talked someone out of a panic attack? I have had to do it to my son on several occassions...just not for a while. This morning was one of those mornings. And just yesterday he saw his therapist. Today he is having a med check-up with his other doctor. I had to do some fast talking...at the end I was bugging him with cheesy music and jokes. He said that was not working but I could hear the difference in the tone of his voice. He was amused. I was doing this over his cell phone. He had started to school then pulled over. I went through things with him step by step. The basic problem is this...he puts way too much pressure on himself and imagines the worst. Pressure on himself to get perfect grades, pressure on himself to achieve a certain standard...imagines that everyone around him thinks he is a freak...and no one understands.

When his session was over with the therapist yesterday, the therapist called me in and kept going on to me about how extremely intelligent TJ is...what a high IQ...and how intuitive he is...how very creative and artistic...yada yada. It isn't that I don't appreciate it...but...I glanced over at TJ and I caught the stiffening. I just wanted to tell the therapist to stuff a sock in it. TJ has heard that all his life from his family and teachers. And then...it happens....his mind goes into achievement/pressure mode. He is thinking, "okay...they know about me...they EXPECT me to be something extraordinary...so I have to live up to the hype." And that is when he starts to break apart...like one of those dragsters that goes shooting down the track faster than it really should go...the pressure starts to make it break up.

So, this morning, I was talking him out of the pressure zone. He was cracking under the pressure in his own mind. So, when he gets home from school, I have to sit with him and make out a check list. Check lists are GREAT visuals for someone with anxiety disorder...it is a tangible bit of life to look at...and work through...check it off as it is done. With each checked off box comes one less brick resting on your back...the load is a little lighter. You breathe a little easier.

I used to make fun of my mother's lists. Then I found myself doing it...and understanding it. Making lists in your mind is good enough for most ppl...if you have anxiety disorder you need a concrete pen-to-paper list...some visual organization.

My daughter has been a semi-invalid for two days now. My back was a bad influence on hers. Mine went out to play by itself without me, hers saw that and decided to try it too. I am having a problem coaxing it BACK where it belongs...and so is the chiropractor. He helped my BACK finally get BACK to where it belongs...and this morning I am able to sit pain free in my computer chair. drat. No excuses for NOT doing my school work now.

Actually, I need more coffee. A lot more coffee. I'm feeling a bit drained...having to talk TJ out of that panic attack. Yeah...that's it...I'm drained. I wonder if I can get my doctor to write me an excuse...so that I can get out of my end of semester paper writing? Oh, forget it...by the time I make the appt., go to the doctor's and sit in the waiting room for 1/2 an hour THEN sit in the small boring cold room for another 1/2 hour, then pay that ridiculously high co-payment JUST for a medical excuse...it is way simpler and less time consuming to write the papers. Not to mention cheaper. As I told my son this morning...reach way down in and find that anger that tells you that you are better than this. YOu are tired of being like this and you aren't going to put up with it anymore. YOu are stronger than this. This is your life, take it back, and just do it (you know...Nike made a great point ).